![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif?v=88.8){kind=small}
so i havent (again) blogged in a while,
thought i should let ya'll know how things have gone recently.
ive come to realise relationships are pointless, id like to be proven wrong but.. ud be wasting ur time..
Reggie is doing great, his first comp is on feb 8th... so hes been training up for it... his fitness has gotten alot better and he jumped exceedingly well on saturday (17th jan). transitions up into and down out of canter need some serious work.. but we will get there.... its getting there.
uni starts soon, new job prospects... not sure what else to say...
ill do some more blogging soon :).
xo
dont pretend like you have missed my posting of boring crap from my life haha.
Reggie:
we've been having some issues lately but hopefully they are getting sorted out, fell off the other week, lol bit stupid really but oh well.
rode him sunday and he was ALOT better, listening a bit more, i do believe i will be still getting spurs but thats just for help.
Other Than that Reggie is fine, happy, healthy, not sore.
everyhting else seems to be ok, still dont 100% believe everything im told and the reasons im given and most of the time dont seem to fit together and im told a million and one different things all the time. i believe that people shouldnt toy with other peoples feelings and time if they dont really feel that they can move on and get over something/someone and focus on the new person in their life. its not normal.
anyway. thats all i can say right now.
talk soon.
beth.
- Mood:
awake
its all well and good to say just think about something else, or itll be ok but when?.
every thing i do isnt any good,
anything i say is stupid,
i have days....ALOT, where i feel to scared to go out of my house let alone into work or around other people,
i dont hang around with friends
i feel i have no friends apart from daisy and smokey,
im ALWAYS feeling tired even if i sleep for the "proper" amount of time or more,
tasks seem almost impossible to do,
im constantly finding something to worry about,
im finding it hard to cope with losing Smokey, even though that was over 6 months ago now, and he was a horse.
i feel dizzy and achy sometimes, i get headaches and migraines start up for no reason,
my diet is appalling and i cant seem to kick the habit.
i have little to no motivation to do anything, i usually start doing something when it gets to a forced kind of point,
im restless even when i feel tired, i can never get comfortable,
i dont feel i do anything well,
i have like no self confidence, i wish i did.
i feel i have no one to talk to, although i can and do talk to daisy when im able to.
i can have all my friends around me and feel totally alone and like i dont fit it.
ive never felt that iv'e fitted in anywhere,
i think i need to talk to someone, just too hard to go and take that step.
ill just sit here and wonder why and what all this means,
everyone has their problems, mine are fair insignificant compaired to others,
sorry to waste ur time,
Beth. xo
- Location:house
- Mood:
confused - Music:You Get What You Give - New Radicals
Well Hello there,
a much brighter post today!.
had my first lesson as a 3pm kiddie. at the farm. was good fun, i REALLY have to work on that left leg.. it'll come back.
I Obtained an animal of the Equine variety today. His name is Reggie <3.
hes pretty ace let me just tell you.
dais might be leasing a horse to, which is fantastic coz she totally needs and deserves one. so this is great!.
her horse (we think) is this really cute chestnut. looks very nice.
Reggie is spunky.
short post but nothing much else tops it.
soundwave yesterday, met MSI, and saw some good bands. Alexisonfire played my favourite song of theirs.
:)
- Mood:
excited - Music:Alexisonfire
im still having trouble coming to terms with not seeing Smokey anymore. i read back over some previous entries and saw him mentioned a few times, found myself in tears. i remember him this one morning of the last eventing clinic i did with Willow while his leg was better. had i of had a camera i would have taken the greatest photo ever, but thankfully i have that fantastic image in my head forever. it was about 8am and i was walking down towards the schoolies lane and it had been pissing down with rain so it was wet and cold and foggy, and the sun was shining from behind trees and the east lane, and i saw Smokey with his head over the gate looking at me and he neighed. he was all wet from the rain and he stood with me and gave me a hug. and just was my bestest friend.
Ill never forget the image of the sun, washbay, lanes and smokey for as long as i live. if i could paint it or draw it i would.
I Miss him so much i dont know what to do with myself on saturdays anymore really. i love riding and so i wont stop going but sometimes i think for just a moment that what if i went up there and he was there, peering over the fence and neighing at me to come talk to him. just once more.
and then i find myself remember that day, the day where i got to wandin a bit earlier than usual, i dont know why, and i couldnt see him anywhere, his stuff was still there so i thought he was lame again. so i went to see heather to find out what happened. and then i got told, the news that changed my world.. My baby boy was going to be put down from a freak accident which couldnt be repaired.
I went down to the yard immediatly to spend my last moments with him.
he was standing away from the gate, big bandage on his left hind leg head down. didnt even look like my Smokey.
the two people i was with called to him but he didnt move at all, barley even twitched an ear, then i called him, and i dont know but something in him changed, he turned his head and had his ear fwd looking at me, as if he was waiting for me, he knew i would come. that i wouldnt leave him alone.
then the poor thing decided he needed to come over to the gate to stand with me, so he hobbled over on the three remaining working legs he had and stopped right next to me. his eyes were sad but clear. but happy while i was there, like he seemed relieved that he wasnt alone. i just stood there patting him, hugging him and i found myself unable to say anything to the most consistant, unconditional friend ive ever had in my whole life. i didnt know what to say, i couldnt bring myself to say it i was too afraid to try as i knew i was on the verge of breaking down.
the one who stood so strong by my side for so long and always helped me and was the one i looked to for support, the one who i always could turn to, the silent friend who helped me more than he'll ever know, was now suddenly the weak one, the one who needed the strength and support of his friend and i did my best. i didnt want to break down infront of him, someof you will be thinking hes just a horse he doesnt care if u break down, but i felt i owed it to him to stay as strong as i could, just as he had done for me so many times before.
my charade didnt work to well, he saw my tears, but i dont think he took it as a bad thing, more like a reassurance that he meant everything to me and that he was worth bringing down a barrier for.
i then saw the float coming. the thing that was to part me and my best friend forever. physically anyway.
and he knew what was going to happen, i know he knew... i dont know how but he had the look in his face of complete helplessness and sadness.
john and will then attempted to laod him onto the float, it hurt so much to see him struggling in pain and fear. he did not want to go on that float, because he knew what was coming if he did.
after trying to push him on and pull him on, they put a rope behind him to help puush him on, but my man broke the knot that tied the rope to the float and also snapped his head collar. he turned around and hobbled quickly over to me and stood staring at me, ears forward looking at me as if he was saying, can we go now please? that hopeful little stare, the look in his eyes, the way he turned to me and not anyone else, broke my heart into a million pieces, because i could do nothing for him after everything he had done for me, i couldnt help him, i hugged his head once more and kissed his forehead.. he looked at me and held eye contact for what seemed like forever... i wish it was, he then had to go onto the float, he was so frightened that he was shaking, his whole body shaking and he kept looking at me, i quielty reassured him that it was ok, that he wouldnt be in pain soon, and that i love him.
i watched him all the way from the yards untill he got to the end of the driveway and turned right... and out of sight.
at 10:30am on Saturday the 27th Of October 2007, My best friend was taken from me.
even though i physically said hardly anything to him, we spoke many many many words that day. silently. he was my best friend, he knew that and i knew that. silent words were the most valuable ones ever exchanged, he was told i loved him more than anything in this world and no matter where he is or where he goes ill always be there with him, always be there for him and always always love him. we will be remain best friends forever. he was told that one day we will be together again to gallop across the fields, jumping anythign and everything and just sitting on the gate on a rainy morning with the sun rise to the east just sitting with each other. being the best friends there ever was.
And I was told that no matter what, he's always there with me.
it's hard to believe that in only 6 short months and 1 day, it will have been a year since you left me in the physical world. Monday will be the hardest day. I Miss You.
Smokey, Angela once said when she saw you standing with me and she said "you really love him don't you" and of course i said "yes, i do" , "you two get along very well".
Not a truer word was spoken. i love you more than anything.
and out last dressage lesson, with chris's 11:30, people asked how i got u to work so well, and how great u looked, and chris said "because he likes her, he'd do anything for her" i knew that was true. i dont believe i made u work well, i believe u worked well because u wanted to. u never gave me any problems. and the best horse ive ever known and worked with. The best days of my life were with you. they still will be, just... a bit different.
You are my Black Beauty, Smokey. I'll be your Joe Green.
"I Swear To You, Some Day, Some How, I'll Be With You Again" - Joe Green, Black Beauty
"Nothing Will Separate Us Again, Ever"
- Location:My House
- Mood:
lonely - Music:Black Beauty Music...Got The DVD On.
Smokey
No words can really describe how much i miss you right now and how much i'll miss you forever.
I just want to let you know that i won't eve forget you and that i love you sooo much and always will.
Thanks for being a fantastic friend to me, people thought you were lazy, grumpy and silly but you were so not any of those things, maybe grumpy, but it was a good thing.
You helped me feel better when i was sad, you always gave me cuddles and you taught me soooo much about riding and horses in general and i can't even begin to tell you how thankful i am to you for everything.
I have so many great memories of you and things that you and i got up to. I'll cherish those memories until the day i day, and beyond that too.
When you hurt your leg i was sad because you werent up at the tie ups and i didnt get to see you much, but we came down to visit you in the forrest and it was great, when you finally got better after an ordeal with colic and bowed tendon, i was sooo happy to ride you again and hang out with you.
Those last two saturdays with you were two of the best saturdays ever, and ill miss that.
I'll miss coming up on saturday and walking into the yard and have you neigh at me to say hi and me coming over and getting a hug from you, and ill miss the way you would just stand with me and listen to me and just be there for me when i was sad, mad, happy or whatever.
You're the bestest mate anyone could have ever asked for.
Even when you were being taken away you were still the gentleman you always were, out of all this saddness im glad i got to say goodbye to you. it would have been even worse to know i didnt get to say goodbye.
I love you soooooo much baby boy, Nothing and No One will EVER replace you.
I just wish you were still with us, i want to wake up and this all be a REALLY bad dream and for you to be alright and still with us.
Please dont forget me.
I'll see you again one day.
Thank You For The Memories, Lessons, Laughs and now Tears. You will always be in my heart darling.
Rest In Peace Smokey (27-10-2007).
May Angels Lead You In.
- Location:Home
- Mood: crushed
- Music:Phar Lap Theme.
it still hasnt sunk in that i have completely finished school, for some reason i was in the mind set that i was going to be there forever. it just doesnt feel like its done.
exams up next, i still need to do my maths ref book, i should probably hurry up.
exams should be ok, i know ill see people from school but after exams, what next.
ill be there for valedictory, im still i bit upset i wont be there to go to the last assembly to personally get my VCE certificate :( but what can ya do really, i just wont be here, ill be in perth.
had a great day today, went to Luna Park, had a bit of fun. lol i think?.
our assembly was good. ill miss school but i dont know why.
anyway, if anyone happens to stumble across this livejournal, and they are in yr12 with me.
Good luck with everything you do in your life, stay positive and always smile :).
Bee. xo
- Location:Home
- Music:A Sound Mind. (really good band give em a listen)
Its All Ineffective In The End.
I really love reading blogs.
especially when people say things that piss them off and they think its someone else acting like that when they dont realise they do the exact same things lol. i guess its because they dont see the world through my eyes.
which is a good thing, 'cause then there wouldnt be only one me really.. either that or id be classed as possessed. lol.
I;m not to sure why people complain about others coz most of the time they do the exact things that 'piss them off' so i think people should possibly think o how they act and the consequences that has on others and then fix them and possibly thinking before speaking, for most people, is a very effective method of preventing problems. you can rectify your situations through good planning and patience.
Like most people, i have limited experience with some things and therefore dont ask me to solve your problems please, im still going through my life and i have to make mistakes myself in order to help others and simply asking me for the answer to a problem you have wont work because i dont know. and wheni say i dont know how to help you i am being serious. id like nothing more than to help you all out and make ur hurting stop but somethings i just cant do. i am not wonder woman. im me and im happy with that.
i'll be there for you, encouraging you when you need it. but i am not the answer to lifes questions.
lifeis just that, a big space of time full of experiences and opportunities where we can learn, laugh, make mistakes, memories and yeh theres bad times, and sometimes you fell that you are so alone and no one gets you but there is always a solution.
there are always people for you to speak to, and always someone there for you. no one is truly on their own and left to fight their battles alone.
nothing is so bad that you have to do something drastic, it may feel like your world, your life is ending but its a test, a challenge to show yourself that you are better anf stronger than this and trust me.... everything happens for a reason, you just have to believe in yourself. the power of positive thinking is a great thing.
nothing of what i have written makes sense but i know what i was talking about when i wrote it. i just wrote it without using the words that make the issue an ugly thing but its a sad reality.
ok, lighter note?, It is Friday the 13th.. thanks tai for reminding me. lol.
and i am listening to the Beastie Boys. lol.
and just for ur info... wen i sed i cant answer all ur questions,,, i dont mean u cant talk to me. just to carify that.
You al rock and mean alot to me.
thanks again.
B. xo
- Location:house
- Mood:
busy - Music:na
but ya kno... hopefully wont be too long and me and my best friend will be rubbing it in all ur stupid faces and you will all be nothing to us. :).
enjoy.
- Location:house
- Mood:
pissed off - Music:Sound Effects and Overdramatics - The Used
and get stuck with this topic, ok...
lets make use of this time
ok my most memorable vacation would most definitly be the USA and Canada trip i went on with mum in November 2005.
why was it so memorable... well i can start from the start and include all the boring deets ey?
so we left Australia on the 4th of November 2005, and yes, we flew QANTAS and yes.... customs smells like dust.
so on the plane, mums one of those people who just cannot be pleased, shes complaining the seats are too close together, the movie is in french, she cant get comfortable, and repeatedly woke me up to ask if i was awake and could i sleep.... well i WAS just asleep was i not.
AAAANYWAY after 14 hours, we arived in the USA, ..
LAX, long customs lines, moving pretty quickly, well done LA. i have to admit the americans certainly know how to keep the human traffic moving, grid lock still makes me wonder tho... how can a freeway come to a standstill... anyway,
we met up with grandma and Ron. and got the freak outta there, freeways are most definitly an experience not for the faint of heart i must say, like 140km/h and people are sailing past u.... NOT normal... anyways, we pulled up at ron's house, and by surprise i had jet lag. but that didnt deter me, i just took to the world that is LA in a large pair of sunnies and red bull. nothing was going to stop me.
The next day was started off well, dragging myself outta bed, shower, dressed, sunnies on, music in ears, get in the car and go down to the donut shop. best breakfast ever. seriously. donuts and redbull... no better way to start the day
the rest of the day was spent, hiring a car, heading out to some shops, i discovered Walmart... i LOVE walmart.
next day was spent with us taking on the California freeway system.. i saw a car on its roof in flames.. i took a photo.
anyway after conquering the 57, 60 10 sequence we managed to go someother roads and go to Universal Studios....
i finally get to go into a Hot Topic store.. i spent an hour in there. My bag (school will know it) is fromt here.. love it.
so yeh, i got to see a whole bunch of fun things, go on some cool things.
mum and i went on an adventure down a highway and ended up in ... i guess youd call it a "ghetto" so farkin scary and NATURALLY, well if ur last name happens to be Giles you will be acustomed to things like this happening, we are getting every freakin red light... im like omg we are going to get shot... and then we both raced to turn the radio down.... 50 cent.... god dam is all i can say, thank the lord the windows were up.
anyways, on the way home we went to kohls and bought some dumb shit we didnt need, and i went to a pet store and played with some hamsters... best farkin moment of my entire life i think! i srsly want a a hamster.
if anyone wants to get me one ill be so appreciative lol dont hold back, the more the merrier.
anywho, krisy kreme... actually another FANTASTIC moment comes later.
disney land... what a hoot.. lol i did not see that pedophile mouse ONCE... not at all!!! what a wanker, seriosuly, "happiest place on earth" my ass!. i lost my voice completly, got lost, got cold, got wet, got stalked BUT i did a kick ass churro.
so later we decided to give canada a spin, bless the country's little cotton socks, anyway we are australian right... im not sposed to study before i leave to locate all the freakin travel agents in the fuckin US, so we ask a post office... post office... they deliver mail... they have databases... they looked at us like we had 3 heads or smething... so we left and asked a random.. who thank god happened to be Australian, melburnian too so added bonus, and they showed us the travel agent.... dunno how the post office misssd the big white sign down the road... but anyway, we go there and book our trips. to canada and back to san fransisco, then the Las Vegas, Nevada, and then back to LA. any way i almost cause a collision wen i see Simple Plan have a show at the gibson the day we get back from vegas, but the exciting thing is.. PLAIN WHITE T'S ARE SUPPORTING!!!!!!!!, so naturally I HAD TO GO, so u was kool and mum and i got tix, so kool. so i was happy.
fast fwd,
we get to Vancouver airport, catch a cab to our hotel, are totally disgusted with it and change hotels, i wont go into deets but we ended up staying at the Blue Horizon Hotel on Robson street. shameless plug but they kicked ass thank you, we went on some tours, got freaked with people,, i saw a grizzly bear and a couple of timber wolves.. no moose tho... next time, anyway it was -5 degrees celcius everyday.. we have a beautiful veiw from the balcony :).
i fell ina snow hole lol. saw a salmon, saw a river, laughed at people, went on a freaky ass suspension bridge and laughed at the dickknob that got yelled at for swinging the mofo.
breakfast at Ricky's diner (may have to check on the name) best farkn food int he world.. i love you!.
i love Canada, seriously beautiful country... although i hate to inform them that they should realise GST and Tax is THE SAME FREAKIN THING why charge both?
san fran was funny, not alot of decent anything, got a good photo of a bum with his trolley, ummmm thats about it... well we went to Alcatraz... that was awesome i liked that alot.
i saw a squirrel.
anyways, Vegas, its Vegas Baby, seriously most amazing place on earth, had so much fun, saw the stratosphere, went to all the coolest places lol.
all the lights, just amazing, i saw some drunk stumbling along talking to himself about politics.... imagine if he reads this and by any miracle remembers it.. lol so cool.
anyway haul ass back to the gibson from LAX, got to the show and although straylight run didnt do anything for most people the first support kicked ASS (Plain White T's) i will never forget them, meeting Tom outside and him signing the cd. that and the hamster moment... on par best moments.
Simple Plan werent bad either.
Beverly Hills. Rodeo Drive, the amazingness of walking into a designer store and getting told that certain color tages meant a certain % off... hellooo $35 guess heels and $30 guess clutch.
went to starbucks, went to see the Hollywood sign,, yes we are THAT touristy, had lunch at the Ivy. do u ever have a feeling that u are talking to or looking at a person who u should probably be recognising... we had that... mums cousins kid was with us and yeh we were being talked to by this woman about how cute he was and that our accents were intruiging and yadda yadda and we all had this nagging feeling like.. "im supposed to know you from somewhere aren't i" lol.
and that was basically the whole trip. of course thats not everything we did, just the main things. grandma got chased by a goose, fuck that was funny.
oh and thanksgiving = awesome lol.
ill update later if i remember stuff.
oh yes, remember to tell you about the eagles/canada ferry thing... and grandmas dumb vegas comment.. lol.
xx
- Location:House.
- Mood: cheerful
- Music:Coldplay.
